i'm in love... with him. i keep having these WTH moments cuz never in this lifetime did i think it would happen like this... or it would be... with him. nor was i expecting it. but what's ever MORE major is the fact that i'm in love with me even MORE...
this man is absolutely wonderful. and he loves me so completely that it scares me. yet, for the first time in my life, the decisions i am making are not wholly ruled by my heart. we've known each other over a decade and have dated in the past. our separation was only prompted by my relocation over 2,700 miles away. and now, 10 years later, while that distance remains between us, our hearts are in tune as though we stand side by side.
and still...i won't allow myself to compromise. you see, while the essence of the man he is is what i love, there are some things in his life that he needs to work out - some doors to close, some chapters to write...and in being fair to ME, i had to fill him in on my concerns. while he has a part of my heart, i have not given him all of me, nor will i, until the time is right - no titles, no commitments... just an awesome friendship. i'm not so naive to think that love is enough for a lifetime.
this represents a change...in ME. no longer compromising what i NEED (vs. want), but still allowing my heart to feel as it does, and most importantly, allowing God to lead my actions through the whole thing. i know that we were not reunited by chance, and in asking, God told me that i was to be his motivation. i constantly ask God IF i can speak things, what to speak, and what NOT to speak... when my patience runs thin and i don't see things progressing as quickly as i want them to, i ask God to calm my nerves...and He's even gone as far as to lead me to conversations with guy friends that help me understand the difficult road that lies ahead for him in making changes. he prays for me, but more importantly, i pray for him and his strength...and i pray that God is clear in the direction He wants me to go with this.
this ALL is new for me. never have i approached any relationship in this manner... and so, i am thankful for the growth in my relationship with God. i am thankful that i have been obedient and have learned my own value and to not allow emotions overrule the direction God is giving me. i am thankful that i am not automatically looking at him as though he is "the one", knowing that if he is not obedient to that which God has directed him, God will surely take me away. i am thankful that i know that if God was to take me away, even through my hurt, i am strong enough to walk away, knowing that God will have somebody even better for me. i am thankful for recognizing that God is preparing me to become a wife by praying harder for him then he can perhaps pray for himself.
i guess this goes back to my blog about a woman knowing self before she can be in a long lasting relationship. even in this, while he has his own direction, i still find myself learning and growing as a woman - continually working on those things about me that still need fixing. and so, when i receive that text that says, 'baby, i love you', i can say 'i love you too', smiling with my heart, enjoying the today, and praying for the tomorrow.
