it's been a minute...

yep, life is moving quickly, so, i decided to go ahead and give a little update...

my friend, with the sick girlfriend? yeah, she has stage 3 cervical cancer. and for some reason, God designated ME as the person to explain the seriousness of this to him. just that morning, my god-sister called and told me that her aunt had passed, so the day seemed to be one where i just needed God to guide my words...

and so, as i explain to him that the 5 year survival rate is 25-35%, he proceeds to completely GO OFF about how many times he had told her to go to the doctor, how this was preventable, and how he just really didn't want to be with her anymore, but knew he couldn't leave her in her present condition... wow.

that same night, i got news of a very good friend of a VERY good friend who had suddenly passed away. in remembering him, i was extremely saddened as i could only think of him as being someone who was just a genuinely good person. as i sat there in tears, mourning the life of one of the "good guys", i continually read all the updates of positive memories on his fb page, and i couldn't help but smile about all the happy times that he brought to those who knew him, and how he has served his purpose. i was ecstatic to know that he had a relationship with God, and even remarked at how his life resembled one that would be pleasing to God. it was at that moment that i was conscious of the fact that that's how i wanted to be remembered...

and so, even as all those things occurred in one day, and i had had an "uncle" pass away that same week, i just sat there marveling about how blessed i really am. we seem to take our gift of LIFE for granted at times, and honestly, i could count myself in that number. and i decided, just that quickly, that those thoughts would stop.

i wake up everyday, yet, i forget just how much of a blessing that is. God called reggie to come "home" only a week and some change before his 33rd birthday - a year and a half younger than me. it serves as a reality check. and so, when, not even a week later, i had to check myself... i hadn't been to my home church here for over 6 months. even though i was in constant prayer, i hadn't finished up some things that needed to be completed before i got a job... and so, i'm at about 90%. i still have some things to complete, but i had to get honest with myself, and recognize that i had not completed my "works" part...

a few months ago, a friend of mine told me that God was trying to take me to a new place in Him, and i was fighting it tooth and nail... i didn't understand what she meant, but, i recognized that, although i was still praying, i wasn't being spiritually fed, nor was i doing the things that i KNEW needed to be done... and so, even though i'm still a work in progress, i am trying to concentrate on those things that i have the ability to complete, instead of thinking about those things that God hasn't done for me yet... i constantly remind myself of God's promises, and that i have to do what i need to do to be in a position to receive those promises... and so, i encourage anyone reading this to do the same...

if something is not going right in your life, stop and contemplate why God has you where you are. make sure that you alleviate all the distractions, and have a conversation and not only ask, but LISTEN... and pray for understand and the ability to hear God... He's pretty clear when you're really listening, but i will admit that it DOES take some time to get there - and i will also admit that there are times when i'm unsure of whether i heard Him or myself, so i ask for confirmation.

sometimes you just realize that you no longer need to make decisions and wonder why life is the way it is...but, just sit, live, figure out what you're supposed to do, get it done, and wait... we've gotta remember that faith is a verb...an action word... so, the REALEST way to exhibit this action is when it's absolutely NECESSARY, and God will put us there and truly show us exactly where that same faith we talk about when life is good, is when life is not so good.

keep praying y'all... and further, keep LISTENING...

it could have been me...

so, that man spoken of in the "wow" series *slight chuckle* if facing so much craziness in his life right now, i have figured out that when God told me that He brought him back into my life to support and motivate him, while it may have been about his own life, it is definitely the time to do so now.

there's a person in his life, one that had alot of influence over his decision about how to continue our relationship, that has recently fallen ill. more accurately, she has been diagnosed with cancer. i suspect that when i spoke to him and he told me, was the same day that he found out this news. my suspicions are based on the fact that he sounded as though he had been crying, was sick, and had been screaming wrapped in one. i heard his dispair immediately, and my heart cried for him (& my eyes nearly did too).

there were some other events of that night... God showed me something... the same thing He showed a prophetic friend of mind. while i'm unsure if what we saw will be the outcome, what i AM sure of is that... while i am still deeply in love with this man, our friendship taked priority over whatever feelings i have. supporting him through this tough time trumps all, and with prayer, i am determined to ensure that he knows not only that i am here for him, but, most importantly, God is. i've showered his email inbox with prayers for healing, and prayers for strength, but, it didn't go without noticing that my responses to him have taken longer (up to an hour), to ensure that my message is not misconstrued: "i've got your back, homie".

it's with this, that i find it easy to do as instructed in luke 9 - denying myself. i'm astounded at the fact that it's VERY easy to forget abou my feelings, and to simply do as Jesus instructs. while i am conscious of my feelings, they have no bearing in showing my friend that despite his circumstances, he must trust God through this entire process. i think about the fact the Jesus prayed for people despite the fact that they were trying to persecute him. while this situation pales in comparison, the central theme is the same - as i'm sure that if Jesus were just an ordinary man, He would have felt similar to how i thought i would - why should i pray for these people when they have hurt my feelings?

the reality of life is that sometimes we have to look past "self", and walk in the life that God designed for those who believe. a friend and i often talk about how Jesus loved and did things, despite many times, those feelings and deeds going unnoticed or unappreciated. not to say that this is the case here, but as a Christian, we are called to pray for those who are unable to pray for themselves. with that, we are also called to witness and to bring people closer to God. i, in no way, believe that means for us to be mistreated or stick in situations that are unhealthy for us, but i do believe it means that we have to sometimes look past our own feelings and be obedient regardless.

this has been a reminder that despite what people do, our joy should come from no one, no place, and nothing other than God. i can type this knowing that i will do as expected of me, and provide solace for him (with no selfish intentions), pray for him, and even pray for her, with no malicious intent in my heart. i recognize that the outcome is far less important than the process. i also recognize that my love for him is pure and genuine - simply because my concern for his feelings far outweigh the concern for my own.

and so, even though the circumstances appear negative, i give thanks for clarity, and for growth. i am thankful for the opportunity to be an example for SOMEONE, and i pray that my current attitude continues and my flesh cooperates.

keep praying folks! not just for your folks, but simply for those that are in need, whether y'all are cool or not. if you believe in the power of your prayers, then look forward to changes being made, and God rewarding your obedience.

"wow" update...

and just as quickly as it RE-began... it ended.

i finally asked the question. for the first time in my life, i asked the question. realization that i made some assumptions based on prior conversations, things he was saying to me, and what i believed would happen, i asked that question that we, as females, need to probably ask more: do we have the same end result in mind for what this is? and with that simple question, the winds turned, and i realized that we were not going in the same direction at all.

his tone betrayed his response. his staccato presentation contradicted his confidence. and the fact that he indicated his desire to head in the same direction, but cited two, imo, ridiculous reasons for not doing so, was what caused the most damage that day. it was then that i realized that he made the "easy" choice, rather then the "right" one. i was instantly reminded of the saying, "anything worth having is worth working hard for".

yet, despite my hurt, i remembered our friendship. i remembered that if and when i ever needed him, i knew that i'd be able to count on him. and so, just as quickly as i felt some kind of way, i reminded him that our friendship was still in tact, and ultimately, that i am okay with his decision. i also made sure to gently remind him that his expressions of feelings helped bring us to this point and that those expressions were no longer welcome, if we are to maintain the friendship that we both value.

and so, in the weeks that have passed, whenever we speak, i've heard him catch himself numerous times, and have reminded him of the choice he made a few times as well. last we spoke, he indicated that there were some things going on, but, he hasn't found the time over the last 2 weeks to talk about it. and so, i just pray for him and whatever situations he's in that are drama'd out.

and so, with this, despite the change in direction of things, i am thankful that i am able to demonstrate learning the exact lesson God's been trying to teach me over the last few years - my value and ensuring that whomever i deal with understands this as well. i've taken the short end of the stick too much, just because i wanted to hold the stick... but now, i recognize that the stick isn't really worth much if i only get a little piece of it rather then the whole thing.

and so, the adventure continues...and i look forward to the coming days with a smile and a renewed joy of knowing that there have been victories with every "failure", and each is simply a stepping stone to being ready to live a NEW adventure once this one is complete.

last thought... when life seems to repeat itself, most times it's because we failed to learn the lesson that God was trying to teach us the first time. in times of diversity, i encourage you to look past the circumstances and simply ask God what He's trying to teach you. if you're like me, you'll be amazed at what God will show you about yourself.

wow...

i'm in love... with him. i keep having these WTH moments cuz never in this lifetime did i think it would happen like this... or it would be... with him. nor was i expecting it. but what's ever MORE major is the fact that i'm in love with me even MORE...

this man is absolutely wonderful. and he loves me so completely that it scares me. yet, for the first time in my life, the decisions i am making are not wholly ruled by my heart. we've known each other over a decade and have dated in the past. our separation was only prompted by my relocation over 2,700 miles away. and now, 10 years later, while that distance remains between us, our hearts are in tune as though we stand side by side.

and still...i won't allow myself to compromise. you see, while the essence of the man he is is what i love, there are some things in his life that he needs to work out - some doors to close, some chapters to write...and in being fair to ME, i had to fill him in on my concerns. while he has a part of my heart, i have not given him all of me, nor will i, until the time is right - no titles, no commitments... just an awesome friendship. i'm not so naive to think that love is enough for a lifetime.

this represents a change...in ME. no longer compromising what i NEED (vs. want), but still allowing my heart to feel as it does, and most importantly, allowing God to lead my actions through the whole thing. i know that we were not reunited by chance, and in asking, God told me that i was to be his motivation. i constantly ask God IF i can speak things, what to speak, and what NOT to speak... when my patience runs thin and i don't see things progressing as quickly as i want them to, i ask God to calm my nerves...and He's even gone as far as to lead me to conversations with guy friends that help me understand the difficult road that lies ahead for him in making changes. he prays for me, but more importantly, i pray for him and his strength...and i pray that God is clear in the direction He wants me to go with this.

this ALL is new for me. never have i approached any relationship in this manner... and so, i am thankful for the growth in my relationship with God. i am thankful that i have been obedient and have learned my own value and to not allow emotions overrule the direction God is giving me. i am thankful that i am not automatically looking at him as though he is "the one", knowing that if he is not obedient to that which God has directed him, God will surely take me away. i am thankful that i know that if God was to take me away, even through my hurt, i am strong enough to walk away, knowing that God will have somebody even better for me. i am thankful for recognizing that God is preparing me to become a wife by praying harder for him then he can perhaps pray for himself.

i guess this goes back to my blog about a woman knowing self before she can be in a long lasting relationship. even in this, while he has his own direction, i still find myself learning and growing as a woman - continually working on those things about me that still need fixing. and so, when i receive that text that says, 'baby, i love you', i can say 'i love you too', smiling with my heart, enjoying the today, and praying for the tomorrow.

"Weight-y Matters..."

someone posted this article on FB, and i definitely have some thoughts about it, so what better forum then my blog???

here's the article:

Weight-y Matters: Are Black women's extra pounds affecting their relationships?

i commend demetria lewis for addressing a topic that could be seen as controversial, but very necessary to discuss.

after reading the comments, there was one man, in particular, that seemed to dominate the conversations. many of the women were angry with what he posted. personally, i can agree with some of his points, and others, i feel are his opinions and are based on his own preferences. i would even venture to say that his comments are also based on his own personal experiences, and for that, anger never registered.

being an overweight woman, i can agree that we, as black women, are as a whole, unhealthy - we live unhealthy lifestyles...that includes eating habits, exercising, and even relationships. we tend to lean on unhealthy behaviors for comfort - eating, smoking, drinking, sex.

and so, yes, we do tend to lean on the heavier side. but, the other side of this issue is this: WHY does this affect our relationships? i think an important point to this debate is the difference between men and women. women are emotional beings, while men, are mostly physical. this is so evident when we consider the different issues with sex and sometimes cheating. while this is a purely physical act for men, the same is not true for women. this is a scientific fact. when a woman has an orgasm, oxytocin (a hormone) is secreted from her brain. this hormone is the same one that is secreted when a woman has a child, and leads to an emotional connection and sense of security with than man (just as it would with a baby). men, that was a freebie - now you understand why if you put it down, a woman finds it hard to let go of you.

anywho, back on topic...the information above is relevant in that, just as the man commented on his physical preferences, which in important to many men, there is no discussion on any other attributes that contribute to a successful and long-lasting relationship. i can't be mad at men who prefer their women to be smaller, as it's a part of their very nature...but it's amazing to me, the weight (no pun intended) put on the physical. i've seen SO MANY men become involved in what they thought were long-term relationships with women who were visually pleasing, but eventually found that their relationships were unstable due to the woman lacking other attributes that they realized were just as important, if not more important, in order for the relationship to be sustained.

women, by nature, are nurturers. we were created to be emotionally stronger then me, and to be able to handle supporting our men, raising our children, while pushing our own needs aside (thus being #2 in command). and so, it makes me wonder if these women who typically meet the physical standards have been tainted by the constant reminder of their visual appearance that they fail to recognize their true potential as a woman.

the other issue is with men. is physical appearance that high on the list that you neglect the other aspects of a woman that truly make a relationship work? i mean, i would assume that everyone wants to be with someone that is visually pleasing (i mean, if i could have idris elba - MY LAWD!), but i would hope that it's not worth the sacrifice of everything else that is really more important when it comes to a lifetime together.

i encourage all ladies (including myself) to live a healthy lifestyle. not because of a man, or what society says you should say you should look like, but because it's what you should want for yourself. and more importantly, work on your "insides"... become the woman that your future man needs and deserves. most of our physical issues derive from emotional issues (stress, bad relationships, etc.). once we alleviate those issues, we have a better chance at being physically healthy. no man can fix these things. and once we're emotionally healthy, God will surely bring that man into your life that is attracted to you, whether you're a size 20 or 2, for a lifetime.

today was THAT day...

DISCLAIMER: this is LOOOOOOONG!!!

the day when the dam breaks, and you feel SO out of control that you don't know whether to laugh or cry?

all it took was one 37 second phone call...

see, life for me over the last year has been a TRIP, to say the least. many don't know what's been going on with me, and perhaps it was this incident that triggers me sharing my testimony, making me transparent to those that read this and perhaps clearing up misconceptions that folks may have of me.

on the outside, i appear unbothered and unfazed. but the reality of life is... i'm human, and while i pride myself in having faith in God to know He's got me... today, i wavered. in fact, i MORE than wavered... i fell completely to the ground... to the point of not being able to say anything but "JESUS"!

on june 15, 2009, i received a call at work from a good friend of mine saying that the douglas county sheriff just called him saying that they were putting all the contents of my home in the driveway. nobody knew, but, months prior, i had hired an attorney to stop a pending foreclosure (the details are CRAZY but nevertheless...). it appeared, on this day, that God wanted this to happen, and so, i immediately left work to tend to my affairs (& get my stuff out the driveway). God made it possible that i would find one person, a nephew of a friend whom i had never met, to help me and my friend who was living with me at the time, move the stuff. God also saw fit to have a neighbor, whom i had NEVER met, to come over, and these two AWESOME and WONDERFUL men not only packed up the truck, but moved my belongings into a storage bin that day.

i was shaken, but not defeated. for some reason, i felt compelled to share my story with someone i had met only 3 months prior...and amazingly, he offered for me to stay with him for free. i could only KNOW that this was God's doing, and to this day, he remains someone who i love completely, as his sacrifice was only one that could be done by someone who is God's child. and who says that men and women can't be platonic friends???

after staying with him for a little over a month, i moved in with another friend of mine. it was a win/win situation for all, as she was having some financial issues, and i felt like i could definitely assist with her bills while i was there. it was during that time that it was a nice day in july when i left work and went to the parking garage to go and get food for lunch. upon coming out, i was then dumbfounded as i couldn't find my car, and then began questioning where i had parked. i immediately felt horror as i realized that instead of paying my already behind car note, i had used the money to rent a truck, get a storage for my belongings, pay two down payments for a lawyer and a specialist and a hotel for a night...but i had made a payment that very morning, so i was confused. after talking with the representative, they had not seen the payment, thus allowing the reposession to go through, and so, at least for the remainder of the day, i needed to figure out what to do. again, God showed favor in two of my line sisters who said "yes" to picking me up, taking me home, getting me to work, & getting me to the car place in 2 days.

again, i was shaken, but not defeated. after 2 months of living with friends, i moved into my own spot. it's a long story, but i am here simply because God wanted me to be. i understood that everything that had happend thus far was God's doing and i accepted it for what it was.

all the while, things began changing at work. i got a spontaneous and "special" mid-year review in august that basically stated that after 2.5 years of doing the same position and getting above-average reviews, i was no longer meeting expectations. thoroughly confused, i asked questions, to which i never got any concrete answers, and so i knew right then and there that something was up. there were blatant lies to which i refuted, but i knew my time was limited. besides, i was homeless... and outside of work hours, that was my priority.

and so, on october 15th, God saw fit for me to lose my job. shocking? no. i was given a few months of severance, and since i was working 2 other jobs besides the full-time and had been continually studying for the CPA exam for over a year, i was more than thankful for the rest. i decided that i was going to take an entire month off and do absolutely nothing but continue doing my work from home gigs.

it was during this time that God spoke to me and told me to use my time applying for law school. it was also during this time that i asked God to not give me any interviews unless that was where He wanted me to be. so, in january, 2010, i studied, and in february, 2010, i took the lsat, and did all my law school applications. during the month of january, God revealed to me that He was moving me out of atlanta - something that had taken ahold of my spirit in early 2009, but, i felt i couldn't leave with the current housing market, and having a home.

it was during this time that some clarity descended. i understood the reason for all my losses of 2009 and looked forward to a complete change of life in 2010. because God was SO clear in His direction that i was moving, i began packing my house up. in late february, i became weary... my faith had been rattled, and i was beginning to wonder why i couldn't find a job, and if i was going to get into law school. i began slowing down in the packing process, as i began to question myself and what i heard.

then i got the phone call... my grandmother was extremely ill, and i needed to get home immediately. it was at that time that i knew why i still didn't have a job, and that i needed to get home and stay home for some time to assist my mother with business, and more importantly, just be there for her. while i felt a sadness in losing my grandmother, i was mostly concerned about my mother losing her bff. don't get me wrong, my grandmother, next to my mother, was the most important woman in my life, but there was a peace in knowing that her spirit was at peace, she was reunited with her only love, my granddaddy, and that she was where she wanted to be.

while i was home, i received a phone call for an interview for a position. based on my constant prayer of only interviewing for the position that God wanted me to have, i was confident that this was it. that was the beginning of april...

since i've been back in atlanta, it's been a struggle for me to get back on task, yet, the last few weeks, i have fought against my disbelief, and continued on my path. i'm still unemployed and am still waiting for decision letters from two schools.

and today... i received a phone call letting me know that i did not get the job. and for some reason, that completely shattered the dam. it was at that point that i felt completely hopeless, and just confused. all i could say was, 'God, what am i supposed to be doing???' and "what did i do wrong?" i began doubting what i knew to be true in my spirit and questioning everything... yet, clear as day, in response to every question i asked, and all the thoughts that ran through my head, i heard God say, "trust me".

i just returned home after getting out the house and doing some things to get my mind off of things... and even as i type through the tears, i am praying for a renewed faith. i KNOW that trusting God is the right thing to do, but i can attest that this is the HARDEST thing i've ever done in my life. it has been through this experience that i truly can say that i know the meaning of "walking blindly in faith"...

through all of this, i am spiritually fighting for my life... i know that THIS is my test... just how much will i trust in God for what He has for my life??? as tears are shed, i CHOOSE to remain faithful. i CHOOSE to be obedient & do what i know to be right despite the naysayers in my life... i CHOOSE to not give up and to believe God for all that He's promised... i CHOOSE to live in abundant blessings...

this was hard. i keep trying to hit "publish post" but it's hard to reveal so much of self to the world. disclosure and transparency usually is. but, i KNOW that God has me in this place for a reason...even if it's to encourage someone else. be blessed y'all... and if nothing else, stay faithful... a breakthrough WILL come.

be strong!

be strong!
for we are not here to play, dream or drift!
we have hard work to do and loads to lift
shun not the struggle, for it is GOD'S GIFT
be strong!

as i sit here watching the olympics and repeatedly hear the story of joannie rochette, an olympic skater whose mother passed away just the night before she first took the ice...and 4 days later, had won a bronze medal, i was reminded of december 12, 2001, the day my father died. i was finishing up my first semester of grad school, and had a final in microeconomics scheduled just two days later on december 14th. though my father went through an illness throughout 2001, the reality of never seeing him again, never talking to him again, and losing my bestest friend sunk in, and hit me HARD. my only concern was getting a flight home, so i could somehow conjure up his presence, feel his spirit and remember the random phone calls where i would answer the phone and he'd say, 'hey good lookin! was just calling to let you know that daddy loves you.'

yet, in still, through my grief, i realized that despite the unchangeable circumstances, my father would have wanted me to not only take the final, but get an A. econ being one my least favorite subjects would not have mattered, and as he had told me the entire time up until the week before his death when he could no longer speak, i had to rise to the occassion, meet the challenge, and do my best. and so, like joannie, i shoved grief aside and did what i had to do, ultimately making an A- in the course. i couldn't help but smile once i received my grade, knowing that daddy was pleased.

while the situation with joannie and my situation are a bit different, it still follows that all of us have an inner strength to continue going forward DESPITE whatever circumstances threaten to strangle us. it is important that no matter WHAT the situation...crazy bosses, crazier co-workers, bad kids, unemployment, mounting debt, bad relationships... we remember that we are MORE than our situations. while many things can be overwhelming, many times it is fear of failure or making our situations worse that keeps us cemented in place, and from continuing to move into the blessing that God has waiting for us. be reminded of 2 timothy 1:7 ~ "for God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." find that which is inside of you that allows you to move...and JUST DO IT! be STRONG!

"let a man be a man." ~ unknown

this phrase is commonly used in conversations amongst me and my girls. tonight, i was hanging out with a homeboy, and while i typically would not say this comment in front of a man, somehow, it slipped out. instantly, my homeboy got very animated, choosing to focus on my phrase of choice, instead of paying attention to the context in which it was used.

his argument, 'how can you, a woman, allow a man to be a man. you can't LET anyone do anything... he already IS a man!' it was then that i realized that while i needed to explain the meaning...and quickly... there may be some women who use this term that don't really understand what's meant. and even worse, don't understand the importance of the action in the phrase.

as i told him, the meaning of this phrase is tied into different things. as a woman, it is sometimes difficult to stop doing things that you are accustomed to doing for self, and allowing the man offering, to do it. as a future somebody's wife, i am constantly working on assuming the role of 3rd in command (after God and the hubby). with this, it means allowing the hubby to lead. while i firmly feel that i should be entitled to an opinion, i do not believe that i need to have an opinion on everything. and it follows that when a man shows his intentions of doing something for me, i should go ahead and allow him to do so.

my personal issue in dealing with this, lies in my past. there have been occassions when a man would offer to do something for me, and i'd allow it, not knowing that my permission was taken as a contract of reciprocity...a barter system... many times for something that i was not willing to give. because of this, my defense mechanism became not allowing any man to do anything for me. but, in my older, maturer self, i have come to find, that i needed to let go of that defense, and learn how to accept. i must thank a man from a prior relationship for that. while our relationship was not ANY example of healthy, that thing, along with a few others, are the positive lessons that i took from dealing with him.

back to the original statement...letting "a man be a man" entails us being women. and more importantly, women who are wifely. (i'm SO not sure if that's a word). personally, i do NOT subscribe to the thought that this implies that some negative traits that are inherently given to men (cheating, non-committal, etc.) apply here, though i do suppose that some women who haven't yet learned their value may settle and include that in their definition as well. and so, as i explained to my homeboy, it is TRULY not a negative connotation, but moreso a reminder to us "independents" that we need to relinquish some control and allow things to happen as they may. this includes knowing that if, upon acceptance, there is an expectation, to govern ourselves accordingly.

so, after explaining all of that, my homeboy then nodded his head, understanding the true meaning of the phrase spoken amongst women across the globe...and then he said, quite ironically if you ask me, "well, ok... but tell them that y'all should say, 'know your position!' instead!" and WHO said words don't matter??? *LOL*

I feel like...

John Salley's character in that movie Eddie. You know, the one with Whoopi Goldberg? Yeah, so, in case you haven't seen it, John Salley plays Nate Wilson, an older, seasoned/veteran on the NY Knicks that gets called in the game because he knows the fundamentals of the game, but due to injury and age, is not a starter, but, can still play the game.

So yeah...that's who I feel like right now. As I ventured out tonight to celebrate the Founders Day of my illustrious sorority, I sought to be around my sorors but also to find a balance of being around my sorors and some testosterone as well. Needless to say, I saw a few men that I knew, one that I thought I was a potential for a relationship and others, and upon leaving the celebration, I could not help but feel... like MAYBE it's time to hang up my jersey.

After my encounters tonight, I could thoroughly understand how Nate felt in the movie. I'm single and considered older at 34, so I'm not out the game completely... but, nobody has come along to make me retire my jersey completely. So I sit there, and when the coach waves me in, I get in the game... and while I know those deadly crossovers are coming, I also know that my opponent is NOT a pure shooter, and will likely miss the basket if I stick to my game and do my best to anticipate his shot.

After much of that... I know that I belong on the bench. I'm not ready to retire my jersey until I know I'll win a championship...yet, it just seems as though I'm not on that team. The opponents get better and faster, yet, I remain the same...and until I can face an opponent who is on my same level, things won't change.

Yes, I'm interested in someone. He is what I would consider the epitome of the ultimate opponent. His entire being challenges me to be the best I can be. Yet, instead of feeling anxious that I may play him and his team, I feel at ease. I feel as though me being the player I am will be good enough and that playing against him will be enough to make me want to retire. No, I don't know if he feels the same way... I don't know if I'm the opponent that he feels is his equal...but, amazingly... I don't care. I'm going to play my game based on the type of player I am, and I may be wrong...but, I may be right. And if I'm wrong, there will always be another opponent... eventually... who I will feel the same about, and perhaps after our duel, it'll be time to retire my jersey.

But until then... I will sit on the bench...and wait for my time to get in the game...and play MY game, not this new, fast-paced, human highlight game. And believe that when I DO retire, players will recognize that I played with alot of heart, never tried to conform to the new style of play that wins games but not championships, and will be counted as one of the best in the game.