today was THAT day...

DISCLAIMER: this is LOOOOOOONG!!!

the day when the dam breaks, and you feel SO out of control that you don't know whether to laugh or cry?

all it took was one 37 second phone call...

see, life for me over the last year has been a TRIP, to say the least. many don't know what's been going on with me, and perhaps it was this incident that triggers me sharing my testimony, making me transparent to those that read this and perhaps clearing up misconceptions that folks may have of me.

on the outside, i appear unbothered and unfazed. but the reality of life is... i'm human, and while i pride myself in having faith in God to know He's got me... today, i wavered. in fact, i MORE than wavered... i fell completely to the ground... to the point of not being able to say anything but "JESUS"!

on june 15, 2009, i received a call at work from a good friend of mine saying that the douglas county sheriff just called him saying that they were putting all the contents of my home in the driveway. nobody knew, but, months prior, i had hired an attorney to stop a pending foreclosure (the details are CRAZY but nevertheless...). it appeared, on this day, that God wanted this to happen, and so, i immediately left work to tend to my affairs (& get my stuff out the driveway). God made it possible that i would find one person, a nephew of a friend whom i had never met, to help me and my friend who was living with me at the time, move the stuff. God also saw fit to have a neighbor, whom i had NEVER met, to come over, and these two AWESOME and WONDERFUL men not only packed up the truck, but moved my belongings into a storage bin that day.

i was shaken, but not defeated. for some reason, i felt compelled to share my story with someone i had met only 3 months prior...and amazingly, he offered for me to stay with him for free. i could only KNOW that this was God's doing, and to this day, he remains someone who i love completely, as his sacrifice was only one that could be done by someone who is God's child. and who says that men and women can't be platonic friends???

after staying with him for a little over a month, i moved in with another friend of mine. it was a win/win situation for all, as she was having some financial issues, and i felt like i could definitely assist with her bills while i was there. it was during that time that it was a nice day in july when i left work and went to the parking garage to go and get food for lunch. upon coming out, i was then dumbfounded as i couldn't find my car, and then began questioning where i had parked. i immediately felt horror as i realized that instead of paying my already behind car note, i had used the money to rent a truck, get a storage for my belongings, pay two down payments for a lawyer and a specialist and a hotel for a night...but i had made a payment that very morning, so i was confused. after talking with the representative, they had not seen the payment, thus allowing the reposession to go through, and so, at least for the remainder of the day, i needed to figure out what to do. again, God showed favor in two of my line sisters who said "yes" to picking me up, taking me home, getting me to work, & getting me to the car place in 2 days.

again, i was shaken, but not defeated. after 2 months of living with friends, i moved into my own spot. it's a long story, but i am here simply because God wanted me to be. i understood that everything that had happend thus far was God's doing and i accepted it for what it was.

all the while, things began changing at work. i got a spontaneous and "special" mid-year review in august that basically stated that after 2.5 years of doing the same position and getting above-average reviews, i was no longer meeting expectations. thoroughly confused, i asked questions, to which i never got any concrete answers, and so i knew right then and there that something was up. there were blatant lies to which i refuted, but i knew my time was limited. besides, i was homeless... and outside of work hours, that was my priority.

and so, on october 15th, God saw fit for me to lose my job. shocking? no. i was given a few months of severance, and since i was working 2 other jobs besides the full-time and had been continually studying for the CPA exam for over a year, i was more than thankful for the rest. i decided that i was going to take an entire month off and do absolutely nothing but continue doing my work from home gigs.

it was during this time that God spoke to me and told me to use my time applying for law school. it was also during this time that i asked God to not give me any interviews unless that was where He wanted me to be. so, in january, 2010, i studied, and in february, 2010, i took the lsat, and did all my law school applications. during the month of january, God revealed to me that He was moving me out of atlanta - something that had taken ahold of my spirit in early 2009, but, i felt i couldn't leave with the current housing market, and having a home.

it was during this time that some clarity descended. i understood the reason for all my losses of 2009 and looked forward to a complete change of life in 2010. because God was SO clear in His direction that i was moving, i began packing my house up. in late february, i became weary... my faith had been rattled, and i was beginning to wonder why i couldn't find a job, and if i was going to get into law school. i began slowing down in the packing process, as i began to question myself and what i heard.

then i got the phone call... my grandmother was extremely ill, and i needed to get home immediately. it was at that time that i knew why i still didn't have a job, and that i needed to get home and stay home for some time to assist my mother with business, and more importantly, just be there for her. while i felt a sadness in losing my grandmother, i was mostly concerned about my mother losing her bff. don't get me wrong, my grandmother, next to my mother, was the most important woman in my life, but there was a peace in knowing that her spirit was at peace, she was reunited with her only love, my granddaddy, and that she was where she wanted to be.

while i was home, i received a phone call for an interview for a position. based on my constant prayer of only interviewing for the position that God wanted me to have, i was confident that this was it. that was the beginning of april...

since i've been back in atlanta, it's been a struggle for me to get back on task, yet, the last few weeks, i have fought against my disbelief, and continued on my path. i'm still unemployed and am still waiting for decision letters from two schools.

and today... i received a phone call letting me know that i did not get the job. and for some reason, that completely shattered the dam. it was at that point that i felt completely hopeless, and just confused. all i could say was, 'God, what am i supposed to be doing???' and "what did i do wrong?" i began doubting what i knew to be true in my spirit and questioning everything... yet, clear as day, in response to every question i asked, and all the thoughts that ran through my head, i heard God say, "trust me".

i just returned home after getting out the house and doing some things to get my mind off of things... and even as i type through the tears, i am praying for a renewed faith. i KNOW that trusting God is the right thing to do, but i can attest that this is the HARDEST thing i've ever done in my life. it has been through this experience that i truly can say that i know the meaning of "walking blindly in faith"...

through all of this, i am spiritually fighting for my life... i know that THIS is my test... just how much will i trust in God for what He has for my life??? as tears are shed, i CHOOSE to remain faithful. i CHOOSE to be obedient & do what i know to be right despite the naysayers in my life... i CHOOSE to not give up and to believe God for all that He's promised... i CHOOSE to live in abundant blessings...

this was hard. i keep trying to hit "publish post" but it's hard to reveal so much of self to the world. disclosure and transparency usually is. but, i KNOW that God has me in this place for a reason...even if it's to encourage someone else. be blessed y'all... and if nothing else, stay faithful... a breakthrough WILL come.